My Dirty Little Secret

I've got a secret to share—I fantasize about writing. When I'm away from my computer, I think about all kinds of topics to blog about, and I make up stories and poems in my head. And in those moments, the thoughts flow, the words dance on the page, and before I know it, I'm on The Daily Show pitching my first best seller. I banter with John Stewart, I'm quick witted, the audience laughs, and I'm invited back as one of his favorite guests.

As I head home from yoga or grocery shopping or lunch with a friend, the creative thoughts swirl and fantasies of being a wildly popular author make me giddy. I can't wait get to my computer. But then something terrible happens—I get home. It's an odd phenomenon, but every house, apartment and hotel room I've ever stayed in has a magical barrier called "the front door." The door itself is easy enough to spot, but the mystical boundary it conceals is invisible to the naked eye. My physical body passes through easily, but as I cross the threshold, all creativity is zapped from me as if the outside world is the nirvana of creative inspiration while the house itself is a creative black hole.

Once inside, I still want to write, but in a more abstract way. The words that flowed so perfectly in my head just an hour before, now seem all wrong. And the stroke-of-genius plot idea doesn't seem so genius after all. I decide to do the dishes and put in a load of laundry. I have papers to go through and dinner to prepare. Distractions abound and I make full use of them. When I finally open my computer with all good intentions of writing, I take just a quick peek at my e-mail, and then...shweeeeesh! A sound not audible to the human ear and evidenced only by the fact that hours have past by reading e-mail and watching YouTube videos. At best, I might have written a clever comment to a "Friend's" Facebook post, but my fabulous creative surge and fast-track writing career are postponed until "tomorrow."

I know my little secret is not quite as salacious as being a sex addict or alcoholic, but it has been a secret nonetheless, and one shared only with my closest friends. Which brings me to you.

When I'm not fantasizing about winning the Pulitzer Prize, I swing the other direction and think more modestly that I'd just like to write something, someday, that at least one person other than myself, my family and my closest friends finds worth reading. Last week, that dream came true. Thanks to a friend prodding me, I created this blog and posted "10 Rules to Make Buying Decisions Easier." As expected, my best friends Joe, Andy, and Jenn all read and commented on it. But to my greatest surprise, Betsy commented on it, too. I used to work with her husband and she certainly doesn't fall under the "I have to read this, because my best friend wrote it"-category. Another big surprise was seeing that I had a "Follower." I saw there was one person and figured it would be one of my best friends. But no, it was Ken!!! A friend I've met twice in New York City, once 10 years ago and the second time two years ago. I was stunned, excited, and felt inspired to write...for Ken, my follower.

To all of my closest friends, I love you and truly appreciate your encouragement—in life, in general, and specifically about my writing. But today's blog is dedicated to Betsy and Ken, people who really didn't have to read last week's post, but did, and who inspired me to write today.

10 Rules to Make Buying Decisions Easier

Buying is a modern day hazard of life. It's a time suck, and adds small bits of daily stress that make life less enjoyable. And whether you consider yourself a "shopper" or not, you are certainly a buyer. And you're so used to it, that you likely don't notice the hundreds of daily decisions you make...from what to have for lunch to where to buy gas for your car.

Think about it, we buy:

• Food at grocery stores, farmer's markets, and restaurants.
  
• Cars, and gas for those cars, along with oil changes, tune ups, and repair services.
• Entertainment, which could be a DVD to watch at home or a ticket to the movie theatre, a book to read, a concert to attend, or a weekend getaway trip.
  
• Computers and the stuff to go with them—mouse, keyboard, virus protection, programs, printers, printer ink, paper, and paper shredders.
  
• Presents for friends and gadgets for our households.
• Services from doctors, dentists, lawyers, accountants, cleaners, plumbers, and handymen to name a few.
  
• Insurance—car, home and medical, of course—but don't forget all of those extended warranties.

Our options for buying clothing, prescriptions, toiletries, furniture, toys, artwork and thousands of other products is never ending...

And for every item on the list, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of options. Therein lies the stress—too many choices. We think of having choice as a good thing, and in many ways it is. I certainly wouldn't trade our culture of abundance for the breadlines of the past. But there is a price to pay for all this choice, and the currency is stress.

The good news is that among all of the choices, you are likely to find something that meets your needs, whether it be a good dentist, a new coat, or a college to earn a degree. The bad news is that dozens of small (and large) questions have to be answered before you can ever make a final buying decision. And virtually none of the questions have right answers. There is no way to know whether you have chosen the best or right option, but here are a few rules that can help reduce buying stress, and help alleviate buyers remorse by steering you away from common purchasing mistakes.

Here's How:

Rule #1 — Don't buy. Well, of course, you will buy things, but you'll be much happier and less stressed if you buy less. Start with the mindset: "I have what I need and I'm not buying anything new." Another way to state this rule is "only buy what you really need"—but that's tricky. We're all con artists when it comes to things we want. We come up with all kinds of rationalizations and excuses to justify the purchase. So be honest with yourself...even ruthless!

A friend of mine set a good example when he wanted a new device that would allow him to listen to his iPod through his car stereo. He thought it would be nice to have his own music in the car, and the device cost only $40, which he could easily afford. Plus, he told himself that the new device would let him make better use of the iPod that he already purchased. Makes sense. Most of us would buy it in an instant. But after asking himself, "Do I really need it?" his answer was "No." He certainly wanted it, but when he was really being honest, he knew that he could always listen to the radio (like he had done for the past 30 years (surviving quite nicely, I might add). The new device was a "nice to have" and not something that was truly a need. Two years later, he finally treated himself and bought the device for a six-week road trip through Europe. For him, the length of the trip and foreign radio finally warranted buying the device. The moral of the story—make sure that you really are going to use the item that you want to buy and that you will get a return on investment in terms of value.

I'm not saying you have to wait two years to make a purchase, but try waiting three months, especially for electronics, kitchen equipment, sporting goods and other gadgets. They'll still be there if you decide you really can't live without them. And you can use that time to figure out where you will store the item, and also how you will dispose of it when you're done. Think about the stuff you've carted off to Goodwill over the years, or have sold on Craigslist for a fraction of what you bought it for. I bet if you had a "Wait-3-months rule" you wouldn't have had quite so many trips to the donation center.

The point, here, is that most of us buy way too much stuff. That's why our kitchen pantries and refrigerators are overflowing, why we have closets and drawers crammed with clothes, and spare rooms and garages that you have to wade through to get to the other side. For most of us, we have what we need. Don't buy more.


Rule #2 — Know exactly what you want. When you need to buy something, the problem comes in narrowing down the choices. The first step is to write down what you need and why. This may be trickier than you think, because the rational reasons we want something are often very different from the emotional reasons. Take buying a new pair of reading glasses. On the rational or objective side, you might write down that the frames and lenses must cost under $200 total, they must be comfortable to take on an off, and you prefer wire rims and a subdued color. On the emotional or subjective side, however, you would note that you want to feel powerful and have others take you seriously. The trick is to be crystal clear about exactly what it is that you're after, which means including how you want to FEEL.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Why do I need this item or service? How will I use it? What features does it need to have? (For example, if buying a clock radio, does it need to have an alarm? Does it also need to charge your mp3 player?)
• Why do I really want this thing? How do I imagine feeling after buying it? (I love looking at the modern, sleek design. I imagine lying in bed. I glance at the blue backlit time display and feel calm and happy.)
  
• How much do I expect to spend? What is the absolute maximum? For the alarm clock, will the $15 version at the drugstore be sufficient, or do you want something more high-end?
  
• Can I buy it used (fine if you're buying a vase)? Or does it need to be new (like underwear, for example)?
  
• Usually, extra features cost more. Be clear on which features you need (the clock radio must tell the time and have an alarm with snooze button), which ones you want but can live without (I want it to charge my mp3 player, but it's not critical), and which ones are irrelevant (12 different alarm tones to choose from, who cares).
  

Being clear on what you want, makes finding and buying it much easier.


Rule #3 — Limit Searching. Once you know that you need something and have a list of the requirements, the next step is to go and buy it, right? Wrong. Before you can buy it, you have to find it, and there are too many places to look.

Clothes are a great example. You want a new outfit. Maybe you start at a department store, like Macy's or Nordstrom. You find something you like, but then think, well, let me just see what they have at Penney's. And then you think, I could probably find it cheaper at a discount store like Target or Walmart. And a quick trip to the strip mall wouldn't hurt where I can hit Ross and Marshall's. But this is a special occasion and I have a coupon from Chico's, so maybe I'll just drop in there and also pop into Talbot's, Anne Taylor, and Eileen Fisher. And before you know it, you've run all over town, spent countless hours looking online, and probably bought a number of things you didn't need along the way. Whew! I'm tired just writing about it.

In our effort to find the best product and the best value for money, we spend a lot of time searching multiple options. And the more something costs, the more likely we are to look for additional options. Remember, you want to reduce your choices, not increase them. So when you write down what you want (Rule #2), take another moment to think about which stores or sources you want to visit. Choose 1-3 (depending on how much you like to shop) that are most likely to have what you need, then go get what you need and call it good.


Rule #4 — Be okay with good enough. We want to find the perfect doctor, the best show to go to, or get a rockin' deal on that new camera. There's nothing wrong with shopping for great quality or a good deal, but if you are striving to find the very best, you will always fall short. There will always be another store to check or another service provider that might be better. And while you can and should check reviews, there is no way to know if what you received is the absolute best. You will drive yourself crazy looking for that elusive "best". You can, however, know if you have found something that meets your needs (see Rule #2). So the quickest way to say goodbye to buying stress and hello to happiness is to be okay with good enough.

Oh, if you do manage to go to the worst show in Vegas, or pay double what your friend paid for the same shirt, or your new kitchen gadget breaks the first time you try using it, well, don't sweat it. That's life. We're all bound to sometimes get taken and sometimes get a deal. So, no regrets.

A note on checking reviews: This is an important and easy step, that I recently forgot and regretted it immensely. Simply check Google reviews or Yelp on whatever it is you're shopping for and see what others have to say. And remember to share your own experiences by writing reviews for others. (By the way, if you're going to Las Vegas, skip the show "Criss Angel Believe." Run...hide your wallet...save your time!)


Rule #5 — Make No Time-pressured Decisions. "The offer is good today only. This is the last one available. You must buy today to get the extra discount." Phooey! How about, if you buy under these circumstances, you are making a fear-based decision that you'll likely regret. The instant you hear there's a time limit, pass on the opportunity.

A friend of mine recently bought $15,000 worth of new windows for her house from a salesman who managed to get an appointment with her and her husband at their house on a week night. The salesman was there for five hours, continued to sell while she cooked dinner and put the kids to bed, and finally, when it was late and they were tired, they decided to go ahead and buy to get the extra discount. The good news is that their house eventually needed new windows. The bad news is that windows were not even on their wish list of things to fix on the house or buy for their family.

This rule applies to self-imposed time pressure as well, which often comes in the form of "I want it NOW." You're at the store, that new flat screen TV is on sale, you don't want to leave, come back, and deal with parking again, you really want it...oh, what the heck, just buy it. Poof! There goes your (self)control.

Especially when making larger purchases like new windows and flat screen TVs, see Rule #1 "Don't Buy" and employ the 3-month waiting period. (And if not 3 months, at least a week, or at the very least go home and sleep on it, or send the salesman home so you can sleep on it.) Decide in advance what a large purchase is for you. Maybe it's anything over $100 or maybe over $1,000. Whatever the number, decide in advance and if you are about to buy, step back and sleep on it.


Rule #6 — Don't Agonize Over Small Purchases. For me, if it costs $5 or less and I start the "should I or shouldn't I?" debate, then I just go ahead and get it. Life is too short to stress out about trivial amounts of money. Small and trivial, though, are relative terms. If you're a millionaire, maybe $50, $100 or even $1,000 is small to you. If you're broke, then every penny is a big deal. Most people have at least a little discretionary income, so decide for yourself how much is too small an amount to stress out about.

The point here is not to give yourself license to buy a bunch of unnecessary little stuff. (After all, if you're at the $1 store and buy a bunch of stuff you don't need, then you're in violation of Rule #1 Don't Buy.) But if you run across the random inexpensive item and you're spending time and energy debating back and forth whether to buy it, then save yourself the stress and just indulge. Be careful though at the grocery store where there are lots of small, inexpensive items that could easily collect dust in the cupboards for decades to come.


Rule #7 — Forget About Gas Prices. Gas prices change daily and vary from station to station. Quit thinking about it, and just buy it when you need it from whatever station you're driving by at the moment. Sometimes, you'll drive away and see that another station down the road is selling it a few cents cheaper per gallon. Other times, you'll drive away and find you got a good deal. The money will average out over time, but you'll be way ahead of the stress curve by eliminating thinking and worrying about whether you got your gas at the cheapest possible price.

Rule #8 — No Warranties. When you buy a new TV, they try to sell you an extended warranty. When you rent a car, they offer to sell you insurance. Why? Because companies know they can sell to our fears and make boat-loads of money. Skip warranties and extra insurance. The money you save will more than make up for the one time that something breaks. If you are concerned about extended warranties, then buy insurance for this type of thing or use credit cards with buyers protection - but don't buy both the extended warranty and the buyers protection credit cards. It is double buying insurance.

Rule #9 — Skip Most Coupons. Don't cut coupons, unless it's for a product that you always buy. For example, a friend of mine colors her own hair and always buys the same brand of hair color. When she sees a coupon for it, she cuts, keeps and uses it. That's smart. It's like walking down the street and picking up a dollar bill on the sidewalk—of course you would do that! But would you walk a mile to go pick up $1 on sidewalk that's in a completely different neighborhood? Probably not. Leave it for someone else and go on with your day.

Only you can decide if the time it takes to find, cut, and manage coupons is worth the effort, but if you follow Rule #1 "Don't Buy" just once, you'll probably make up for the money savings you lost by NOT cutting coupons.

Rule #10 — Don't buy with the intention to return. When you buy something, "because I can return it later if I don't like it," you end up less happy with your purchase and with subtle bits of stress as you constantly reconsider whether you should have bought it and whether you should return it. As long as the door is open to return something, you keep making the decision to buy the item over and over again in your mind. Also, you will likely buy more if you are "buying with the intention to return" than if you act as if "all sales are final."

Obviously, I don't mean never ever return anything. If something is defective, then take it back.

A note about small vendors: The little corner gift shop is not Walmart. When dealing with small businesses, be even more careful when deciding to buy. Be respectful and make your sales final, even if they allow returns.


This article started as a way to help myself reduce buying stress and avoid common purchasing mistakes. My new rules are helping me and I hope they help you, too. I'm curious to hear from you and would love it if you would take a moment to comment. Do you agree with these rules? Do you have others that you would add? All questions, comments, criticisms and compliments are welcome.

Happy buying!