There is an explosion of life and color—fuchsia, orange, rust, purple, red, and every shade of green. Paths of stone, pebble, and bark wind in a loose figure eight around mounds of flowers, bushes, grasses, and trees. Patches of lettuce, chives, thyme, and various other herbs and edibles are mixed throughout the garden and make their way into our nightly supper. The waning sunlight shimmers on an ornamental glass ball, and a blue and purple ceramic snail snuggles in for the evening over by the rock garden.
I am in the city, but the rustling leaves, wind chimes, and chirping birds make it feel like a fairy tale. I smell bacon, because Johanna is in the kitchen making BLT's for dinner. I think even vegetarians must love the smell of bacon! Talk about living the good life.
But is it really good? In general, I think of myself as a happy person with wonderful friends. But recently someone commented to me that I don't seem to have that many friends or spend time with them. This got me thinking: How many and what kinds of friends do I really have? How many are enough? Would I be happier with more? What kind of a friend am I?
Of course, calling someone a “friend” can mean as many different things as saying “I love you.” These expressions of endearment mean different things to different people at different times. I don't know if I have “enough” friends, but I know that there are at least 10 people who would take me in for an extended time if I needed a place to stay, and easily 20 more who would buy me lunch or dinner. From a survival standpoint alone, I think 30 is enough. If I expand the word “friend” to include “acquaintances,” my numbers skyrocket and include people on every continent except for the frozen one.
There is an old saying, “You can judge a man by his shoes.” I think a better barometer for me is the friends that I keep. So here's a little bit about some of my friends and how they fit into my life.
Surprise!
Since I'm lying in her hammock, I'll start with Johanna. I think of Johanna as a surprise friend. She and I had known each other and been casual friends 13 years ago, but had drifted off into our own lives. We might not have even seen each other again, except our mutual friend, Joe, stayed in touch with her and invited me to her and Steve's wedding. At that joyous occasion, I could never have imagined that Steve would die of cancer and that I would end up living with Johanna just a few years later.
Steve was one of the most upbeat and positive people I've ever met. Reading his blog while he went through chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant was more of an exercise in holding your sides in laughter than feeling sad for a sick friend. I wish I had known him better, but the silver lining for me is my rekindled friendship with Johanna.
People ask me how I like living with her. We're like two peas in a pod. Johanna and I like each other and are happy when the other one is home. We keep each other company. Sometimes we cry on each others' shoulders. We're friends.
Old Friends
Andy has been my best friend since junior high when she was the teacher's aid in my 7th grade P.E. class. I saw her as one of the “cool” kids and felt lucky that she even talked to me. For all of high school and part of college (until I moved away), we were inseparable. We studied together, slept over at each other's house, did chores, talked about boys, and played “Millipede” at the local pizza parlor for more hours that we can count.
Andy was the first person to get me to willingly wear makeup (although my sister had tried her best). We got drunk together, worked as lifeguards together, and got dogs together. We each lost a parent in the same year (her Mom and my Dad) and got through that together. We were the maids of honor at each other's wedding, and I had the honor of being in the room for the births of her two children. Andy is as much a part of me as my right arm and I couldn't imagine life without her.
The odd thing is that if we met today, we would like each other, but we probably would not become close friends. She has her family and a small business in Spokane while I am single in Seattle. Our lives and interests simply would not intersect. But that doesn't matter, because we did meet, and we have lived our lives together—even when apart—and we have forged a deep, life-long bond. I'm glad to say our friendship is steeped in history—30 years of history—and counting!
Kindred Spirits
Jenn and I met while working at a little company called Sāflink, which made software that allowed you to log on to your computer with a fingerprint instead of a password. She was the technical writer who wrote software documentation like the user's guides and I was the product manager. Both of us love writing and we bonded over words. One time we talked for two hours about a single sentence that the users would encounter when they installed the product.
As we got to know each other, we learned that we both felt inadequate when it came to creative writing, and we both liked nothing more than to dissect our fears and discuss personal development. A woman who loves writing and angst...what's not to love!
Jenn is 10 years younger than I, married with two adorable little girls, and lives out in the boonies. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but we make dates to see each other...and keep them, because we always have fun and feel inspired after seeing each other.
Acquaintance or Friend?
A year-and-a-half ago, I took up pilates, but avoided a class taught by Natalie, because I heard she was really tough. When I finally got up the courage to take her class, I found out that “Nat” is one of those amazing people who really knows her craft. Yes, her class is tough, but effective...and also fun.
She was raised in Zimbabwe and later lived in England. She's wonderfully British and makes me laugh saying things like, “Tighten up ladies, we don't want any floppy bottoms!” It cracks me up just thinking about it.
While living abroad last year, I missed her, and I'm glad now to be back in her class twice a week. Even though our conversations are only a few minutes before or after class, she feels like a friend. Maybe it's because she's so real. There is no mask with her, no pretense. There's just Nat, and I like her.
Men!
I met Joe 13 years ago, during the time when Johanna and I first knew each other. He and I dated and traveled and had a great time and then went our separate ways. Then Adrian and I dated and got married and I had the good fortune to get Nick as my stepson. Adrian and I learned and grew and had fun, and when it was time, we also went our separate ways. Later, I reconnected with Joe, and once again, we dated and traveled and had a great time and then went our separate ways...sort of.
Saying that “we went our separate ways” sounds like we are no longer part of each others' lives, which isn't the case. Adrian and Nick live in Los Angeles and, while I rarely see them, we talk on the phone and send e-mail and I think of them often. Joe and I still see each other almost every day and in many ways are closer than ever. These relationships can't be defined by terms like “ex-husband” or “ex-boyfriend,” because that implies an ending. Is Nick my ex-stepson? Of course not. I will always be his “evil step mother,” just like I will always love Joe and Adrian, each in a different way, and my relationship with each will continue to move onward in new and wonderful ways.
So Many Friends, So Little Time
It's a lot of fun for me to write about all of you, my friends. I want to go on and on and tell stories about everyone, like:
- Kirsten whom I bonded with over the traumatic experience of selling Time-Life Books to unsuspecting people who dared to answer their telephones in the early 90's.
- Heidi whom I bonded with over boyfriend troubles, which is a never ending source of consternation, conversation, and connection for us.
- Mom, and Michael and Janie, my siblings, whom I bonded with growing up when it was a struggle to scrape up10 cents to buy school milk.
- Carole whom I bonded with over the brothers Hicks, who we find vexing, but irresistible.
- Barb and Elizabeth whom I bonded with over the 2006 Nobel Peace Price and survived to tell about it.
- And a different Elizabeth whom I bonded with in Paris over pastries and psychology.
I have hundreds of stories thanks to all of you. And how fun for me, because now I have a great excuse to relax with my laptop in a comfy hammock in a fairy-tale garden and smell the bacon.
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